Today, I don't even know what did i do..
So we were supposed to gym, but when she arrived at 1400+ it started to pour, heavily. So i suggested to wait till the rain subsides, she agreed. I then asked her if she'd rather head over now, she said it's alright. So i suggested to watch a movie while waiting, alas my old as age computer wasn't very cooperative and we didn't really get to watch anything, so she napped. Next thing I got was a question, "do you still want to gym?" With what i thought was a hint of menace in it. I said yes and bla bla explained myself bla bla.. she didn't smile since then on. So i rushed to leave the house and we left at probably 1510.
Face in a default to-kill expression, we left the house and gymed. Even at the gym she was dismissive and curt, when i asked her what would she rather do, she said "i want to go home" I offered her my key so she could leave.. but she rejected and continued to gym with an air of gloom. All while hinting that it was late and she should be home.
I tried to talk, tried a little to make her happy, tried to behave as motmally as i can. But all i got in return were cold shoulders, indifference and '随便's. I don't know if what i did was insufficient but i sure as hell didn't know what else to do. I couldn't really stand the atmosphere anymore and cut short our session and left the gym less than an hour after our arrival.
The whole way back home, the short duration at home and even as she was leaving, she barely looked at me, nor did anything else that would suggest any form of endearment. Even as she left the house and walked towards the lift and while she was riding it down, not a single eye contact was made; a curt "bye" and a multitude of sighs were all i had.
What did i do wrong, what should i have done? Help.
`Yet it failed;-
17:57
Time and again, I don't learn. Time and again, I can't handle it. Time and again, I've hurt you. It hurts me more and more each time I do it.
I was being insensitive and mentioned patients are in deficiency and that makes them wake up earlier, that they are less than human that's why hospitals open at an hour unfitting of humans.
I saw the warning signs:
1. Silence
2. Avoidance of all eye contact
3. Lack of response to physical contact
Yet i knew not how to respond, i didn't realise what i said hurt you (that you perhaps identified yourself as the target of my statement), i thought that you were mad that I've said something so politically incorrect, but i didn't know it was insulting to you.
I tried what i always did, asked if you want to talk about it; tried a few new things, asking for permissions, just being there, not taking the attention away from you, asked for your forgiveness.
The moment i knew that i had hurt you, that i was yet again the cause of your unhappiness, i felt like crumbling. It's so hard to remain calm and to hold on to you when insides all i want to do us just curl up and roll away so that I'll never hurt you again. A contemplating for what felt like an eternity, you said "i forgive you, but it stills hurt". I really wonder if I'm worth all this agony, maybe it's my punishment for all the misdeeds I've done.
I want to learn, i want to be better.
`Yet it failed;-
09:29
